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Wife is key in man’s decision to seek diaconate

By Steve Neill
Of The Catholic Virginian

The role of the deacon’s wife must be a key consideration to the decision made by a couple in which the husband is considering ordination to the diaconate.

Nancy Malone, wife of Deacon Christopher Malone, who serves in ministry at Church of the Redeemer in Mechanicsville, made this observation Jan. 23 at a meeting of deacon aspirants and their wives for the Central Vicariate. The meeting was held at St. Edward’s Father Herbert Hall in Richmond.

Mrs. Malone, who is fully supportive of her husband’s ministry as a deacon, said that some might think the deacon’s wife is similar to that of a minister’s wife in a Protestant congregation. But she does not think it’s a good analogy.

“We really don’t have a check list for the deacon’s wife in the Catholic Church,” she said.

“It goes back to who we are,” she continued. “It’s what the deacon’s wife wants it to be.”

Mrs. Malone urged the married couples present to prayerfully reflect over the next few months if the diaconate is something they both feel they want to pursue at this time in their life and their marriage.

If the wife of a man aspiring to become a deacon has a strong sense that this pursuit would not be good for them as a couple, “the wife needs to be able to say no if she feels that way,” Mrs. Malone said.

Men who seek to become a deacon without their wife’s support must realize that “a strong personal desire can also be crushing to your wife,” Mrs. Malone asserted.

She understands the concerns that some wives have who are worried that the time spent in a deacon’s ministry can affect the family income or the husband’s earning power if he needs to spend more time in the church.

But Mrs. Malone maintained that there are some ways in which the deacon and his wife can exercise his ministry as a team.

“In our family Chris has always been the joiner,” she said. “”We have found things we can do together like hosting scripture groups which meet in our home.”

Knowing that the time demands on a deacon can be great, Mrs. Malone credited her husband “who is great at time management.”

“For many women, especially those close to retirement age, might want to think about independent activities,” she said.

Younger couples who have growing children in the home must face the challenge of “division of labor,” Mrs. Malone said. But a positive way of handling this is to have one’s children help out more in family responsibilities.

Both the deacon and his wife have different challenges and they must be realistic about them.

“Some wives feel very strongly that they need to stand by their husbands at every church event to remind everyone that deacons are usually married men,” Mrs. Malone said, with a twinkle in her eyes.

“As well there are deacons who feel that unless they are at every church event, the church will disappear,” she added.

“What are the challenges in your marriage today?” she asked the couples to consider. “Remember, the challenges will not disappear upon ordination.”

In closing, Mrs. Malone wished the couples well.

“I hope you all make great decisions for your family,” she said. “We’ll be praying for you.”

Chris Kren, wife of Deacon John Kren who serves at St. Mark parish in Virginia Beach, said that she initially had some doubts about what would happen as they both began the deacon formation program together.

At the Jan. 24 meeting for deacon aspirants and their wives, held at St. Mark’s for those in the Eastern Vicariate, she spoke of those doubts.

“I know a lot of them are uncertain about what’s going to happen or what they’re getting into,” Mrs. Kren told The Catholic Virginian.

“But after we began the formation I could feel a change in me and in us and I can only credit that to the power of the Spirit.”

She said that she told the gathered men and their wives that the wives of deacons must realize that many in their church community will see them as representing the Church if asked an opinion on issues like church policy.

“You’ve got to be prepared that some people will assume now that you’re the wife of a deacon, you have all the answers about the church,” she said. “What you say may be quoted in the sense that ‘it must be true, the deacon’s wife said so.’

“You must remember you’re no longer speaking just as a parishioner, you’re seen as representing the church.”

Deacon Bob Ewan, who coordinates the diocese’s deacon formation program, told The Catholic Virginian there are currently 61 men who are in the aspirancy phase of the diaconate. In June some of them will be selected to apply for the formation.

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