ARTICLES

Day of reflection to help parents hurt by miscarriages

By Steve Neill
Of The Catholic Virginian

Parents who know the sorrow from miscarriage or a stillborn baby often feel they must keep their sorrow from friends and family because others are uncomfortable with what to say.

Kathleen Olowin, a parishioner of Church of the Incarnation in Charlottesville who suffered four miscarriages, has helped plan a day of reflection which seeks healing for those who grieve over the loss of their babies before birth.

The event will be held on Saturday, March 17, from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. in the stone chapel on the grounds of Incarnation.

“Not everybody is going to want it, but we put it out there for those who feel they can benefit,” Mrs. Olowin said.

She and her husband, Aaron, have three sons. They are Matthew, 11; Ryan, 7, and Tristan, 2.

“My husband, Aaron, and I have lost four children through miscarriage, three in the first trimester,” Mrs. Olowin told The Catholic Virginian, explaining that most miscarriages occur within the first three months.

“Our son, Nicholas, died at the end of the fourth month,” she continued. “Second trimester miscarriages are not as common.”

The Olowins attended a ministry workshop for grieving parents in March 2003 at Ss. Peter and Paul in Palmyra shortly after Nicholas died. It benefited both of them.

“We found it very helpful being with people who shared the same feelings,” Mrs. Olowin said, adding that she wants to continue a ministry that others started.

The ministry, which falls under the umbrella of Incarnation’s Elizabeth ministry, as of now still does not have a name.

“We’ve been trying to come up with a name, but just haven’t found a suitable one yet,” Mrs. Olowin said.

The ministry and the March 17 day of reflection seeks to help grieving mothers and fathers affected by stillbirths and miscarriages by breaking the silence about it.

“The grief is silent in that people don’t tend to talk about it,” Mrs. Olowin said.

“You also don’t go around telling people about it,” she continued. “There are a lot of people who feel alone after going through this experience.”

The March 17 event is clearly not a workshop, she emphasized.

“We’re changing the term ‘workshop,’ which we feel may sound too clinical, to a day of reflection,” Mrs. Olowin explained.

“It’s a day which focuses on prayer. Guest speakers are usually other bereaved parents who will share their experience.”

Recalling again her and her husband’s attendance at the 2003 workshop, Mrs. Olowin said some who attended that day had lost their babies 35 or 40 years ago.

“They told their stories with tears rolling down their cheeks,” she said.

“They said to us ‘you don’t know how lucky you are to have this because we were never allowed to talk about it.’

“A lot of people come out of there knowing ‘I’m not really alone in this.’”

Pointing out that the Catholic Church has no prescribed ritual for babies who die in the womb, Mrs. Olowin said that she and her husband went to Father Gregory Kandt, pastor of Incarnation, after the death of Nicholas.

“Father Gregory offered to have a full funeral Mass if we wanted it,” she said. “The three of us talked about it and decided it was best to have a graveside service at the cemetery.”

The state provides a death certificate if a baby in the womb dies after 20 weeks. It is considered a stillbirth, Mrs. Olowin said.

The day of reflection will be followed with a memorial Mass on Wednesday, March 28, at 7:30 p.m. in Incarnation’s daily Mass chapel.

“At the Mass every baby’s name will be read,” Mrs. Olowin said. “We personally named every child we lost. Each family will have an opportunity to light a candle for their baby.

“But participation is entirely voluntary,” she continued. “You can come and be silent all day if that’s what you want. But those who want to share with the group will have the opportunity.”

There will be no fee to attend the day of reflection, but those who wish to attend are asked to contact the Incarnation parish office to help organizers know how many to plan for lunch which will be included.

The grief parents feel from miscarriage or stillbirths does not ever go away, but there are opportunities to move forward.

“I’ve had a lot of people say ‘how do I get over this?’” Mrs. Olowin said.

“You don’t get over it, you learn to live with it and go on.

“Over time, the pain dulls, but life will go back and even out again.”

For registration, contact Church of the Incarnation at 434–973–4381.

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